Boston @ Orioles or: How I Learned to Stop Caring and Began to Hate Baseball

These kids, today, they have a saying: "PWN3D!"

It's Internet-Speak for "owned", which is more or less what the Boston Red Sox just did to the Baltimore Orioles. They owned us. Even, dare I say, pwn3d us. There's not much else to say than that.

Oh, who am I kidding? There's plenty else to say. It's possible that very little of it will be constructive baseball analysis, but hopefully it will be entertaining. I laugh to keep from crying.

1. The first inning told us all we needed to know about each team's offense. Adam Loewen struck out Julio Lugo, Kevin Youkilis and David Ortiz in order, but took 18 pitches to do so. Brian Roberts led off the game with a double, then stole third base and scored on an RBI groundout by Markakis; Beckett quickly retired Tejada, though, and threw only 11 pitches in the inning.
   
   In a related note, the walk totals for each team's offense in the two-game series:
   
   • Orioles: 3
   • Red Sox: 17
     
   
   Sure, okay, the Sox had Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett, and we had the often-wild duo of Daniel Cabrera and Loewen. But the Orioles simply are not a patient team. They rarely work the count, often swing at terrible pitches, and apparently have a collective case of hemorrhoids so painful that they feel compelled to end their at-bats as quickly as possible, so as to apply Preparation-H in the trainer's room.
   
   
2. In just over 11 innings of work this season, Chris Ray has allowed 7 earned runs, all on two grand slams: Alex Rodriguez's game-winner in New York on April 7, and Wily Mo Pena's eventual game-winner tonight.
   
   
   Dear Chris,
   
   Stop leaving fastballs over the middle of the plate.
   
   Love,
   
   The five Orioles fans left
   
   
   
3. Oh, Ramon, we've missed you so! Please stay healthy so we don't have to watch Alberto Castillo hit like Mark Belanger (and look like him while doing it).
   
   
4. Hey, time for the Pabst Blue Ribbon "Stat of the Game That Has Virtually No Relation to the Game Currently Happening"! Here it is:
   
   Q: Who has hit a home run in the most different ballparks in his career?
   
   ::drumroll::
   
   A: Sammy Sosa
   
   Hey, he...used to play here...two years ago...and was constantly injured and widely rumoured to have used steroids...and now he's suddenly kicking ass in Texas (I'm sure HGH has nothing to do with that)...
   
   Yeah, let's bring up that guy's name, why don't we?
   
   
   

Ugh. What an awful night to be an Orioles fan.

Up next: 'Dem O's travel to Cleveland and Detroit. The pitching matchups for the Clev...ah, hell. In honour of Harry Doyle and the Mistake by the Lake, I'm just going to drink myself into a stupor while I watch these next six games.