Tomorrow, We Lead; Today, We Gloat.

Dear Republicans,

The United States faces a wide array of challenges today. The Democrats' electoral mandate is not something to be taken lightly, and I speak on behalf of most Obama voters when I say that I welcome principled and intelligent opposition from Republicans. I do think Obama has the intelligence, honesty and pragmatism both to chart a progressive course for America and to moderate his plans when reality requires it. And although my own policy preferences are decidedly left-of-center, I really do want reconciliation and moderation - not one-party rule.

Some may find what I am about to say ironic, petty, or even hypocritical. I would counter by saying that one cannot find a cure before honestly discovering the cause of the disease.

Before we get to the sticky task of moving on from the past eight years, I think it's important to be honest about how we got to this situation. With a few exceptions, and due in part to often-spineless opposition from Congressional Democrats, the reason we are in this precarious position is you. I repeat: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MOST OF AMERICA'S CURRENT PROBLEMS. And don't ever forget it - especially when President Obama makes mistakes (as he certainly will, due to his status as a human being).

Perhaps not since 1932 has an American political party so richly deserved the kind of electoral butt-whupping you, the Republican Party, just received. The past eight years, and particularly the six of those from 2000 to 2006, have been among the bleakest in America's history.

The scope of your party's malfeasance, misrule and incompetence has been so complete - and so exhaustively documented - that I can do little more than list the crimes, rapid-fire:

Mission Accomplished, Government by government-haters, Enron, Glass-Steagall repeal, Starve the Beast, "Bin Laden determined to strike in US," Katrina, "Heckuva job, Brownie," Guantanamo, illegal wiretapping, Bush vs. Gore, Katherine Harris, Karl Rove, McCain's "illegitimate black child," Swift-Boat Veterans for "Truth," oil company tax breaks, Voodoo Economics, mortgage-backed securities, Clear Skies Initiative, Healthy Forest Initiative, Help America Vote Act, Mary "bikes are not real transportation" Peters, Kenneth Blackwell, Jews for Buchanan, Saxby Chambliss, Halliburton, more contractors in Iraq than soldiers, still can't find Bin Laden, legalized torture, signing statements, Cheney shoots friend and gets apology, anti-American, terrorist sympathizer, anti-Israel, socialist, communist, flag pins, "Hussein," "Joe" the "Plumber," Joe Sixpack, what's a Community Organizer?, no energy policy, Sarah Palin, Faux News, Sean Hannity, Bill-O, Jeff Gannon, Duke Cunningham, Ted Stevens, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Jerry Falwell...did I miss anything?

With this illustrious record of failure, one might have expected the Republicans to conduct the 2008 election by issuing a mea culpa and trying to convince people that they had learned their lessons.

But who am I kidding - these are the Republicans! Admitting error is for Commies and queers, dontcha know?

True to form, they ran one of the most divisive, reactionary, demeaning, backward-looking, intelligence-insulting, ignorance-celebrating, race- and religion-baiting campaigns in memory - all under the banner of "Country First." Nobody on the Right seemed to grasp the irony; nobody on the Left was surprised.

Not only have you failed to lead; not only has your ideological inflexibility led us into a fiscal crisis; not only has your studied demonizing of science prevented real action on climate change; not only has your cynical game of Footsies with the Religious Right demeaned the pursuit of education and wisdom; not only did you lose, but you lost in the most dishonorable way possible - by encouraging and exacerbating the divisions within America. Thankfully, finally, FINALLY, it backfired. Couldn't have happened to a nicer group of people.

I still feel bad for John McCain. While I never seriously considered voting for him this year, I do think he is far more of a centrist than he appeared during this campaign. It's a shame that he tied his electoral hopes to the morally and intellectually bankrupt Republican Party, but what choice did he really have? Run as an independent? He needed the Republican apparatus as much as Barack Obama needed that of the Democrats. McCain was in a no-win situation. I very much look forward to seeing the return of what I think is the real John McCain - conservative, sure, but not an ignorant right-wing lunatic.

As for Sarah Palin and the rest of the far-Right, I don't know what to say except that I hope you are a tiny, ineffectual minority for a long, long time. Your cheerful ignorance and hatred of those smarter than you have made us stupider as a people. Frankly, I wish you'd all go away so that the vast, reality-inhabiting majority can get cracking on the many problems your electoral decisions helped cause. But because I'm so tolerant, liberal, and - dare I say - Christ-like (settle down, that was a joke), I will ask only for your tolerance over the next four years; when the Federal spending programs you hate so much wind up reviving the economy, I'll even let you share in the benefits. I'm a nice guy - what can I say?

These next four years will require cooperation between people who disagree fundamentally on many issues. We won't be able to do that if we're constantly bickering about the past, and who-did-what-to-whom. I hereby agree to not bring up the past if you, the Republicans, promise the same.

But there's one more condition: Admit you were wrong.