Tomorrow, We Lead; Today, We Gloat.

Dear Republicans,

The United States faces a wide array of challenges today. The Democrats' electoral mandate is not something to be taken lightly, and I speak on behalf of most Obama voters when I say that I welcome principled and intelligent opposition from Republicans. I do think Obama has the intelligence, honesty and pragmatism both to chart a progressive course for America and to moderate his plans when reality requires it. And although my own policy preferences are decidedly left-of-center, I really do want reconciliation and moderation - not one-party rule.

Some may find what I am about to say ironic, petty, or even hypocritical. I would counter by saying that one cannot find a cure before honestly discovering the cause of the disease.

Before we get to the sticky task of moving on from the past eight years, I think it's important to be honest about how we got to this situation. With a few exceptions, and due in part to often-spineless opposition from Congressional Democrats, the reason we are in this precarious position is you. I repeat: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MOST OF AMERICA'S CURRENT PROBLEMS. And don't ever forget it - especially when President Obama makes mistakes (as he certainly will, due to his status as a human being).

Perhaps not since 1932 has an American political party so richly deserved the kind of electoral butt-whupping you, the Republican Party, just received. The past eight years, and particularly the six of those from 2000 to 2006, have been among the bleakest in America's history.

The scope of your party's malfeasance, misrule and incompetence has been so complete - and so exhaustively documented - that I can do little more than list the crimes, rapid-fire:

Mission Accomplished, Government by government-haters, Enron, Glass-Steagall repeal, Starve the Beast, "Bin Laden determined to strike in US," Katrina, "Heckuva job, Brownie," Guantanamo, illegal wiretapping, Bush vs. Gore, Katherine Harris, Karl Rove, McCain's "illegitimate black child," Swift-Boat Veterans for "Truth," oil company tax breaks, Voodoo Economics, mortgage-backed securities, Clear Skies Initiative, Healthy Forest Initiative, Help America Vote Act, Mary "bikes are not real transportation" Peters, Kenneth Blackwell, Jews for Buchanan, Saxby Chambliss, Halliburton, more contractors in Iraq than soldiers, still can't find Bin Laden, legalized torture, signing statements, Cheney shoots friend and gets apology, anti-American, terrorist sympathizer, anti-Israel, socialist, communist, flag pins, "Hussein," "Joe" the "Plumber," Joe Sixpack, what's a Community Organizer?, no energy policy, Sarah Palin, Faux News, Sean Hannity, Bill-O, Jeff Gannon, Duke Cunningham, Ted Stevens, Larry Craig, Ted Haggard, Jerry Falwell...did I miss anything?

With this illustrious record of failure, one might have expected the Republicans to conduct the 2008 election by issuing a mea culpa and trying to convince people that they had learned their lessons.

But who am I kidding - these are the Republicans! Admitting error is for Commies and queers, dontcha know?

True to form, they ran one of the most divisive, reactionary, demeaning, backward-looking, intelligence-insulting, ignorance-celebrating, race- and religion-baiting campaigns in memory - all under the banner of "Country First." Nobody on the Right seemed to grasp the irony; nobody on the Left was surprised.

Not only have you failed to lead; not only has your ideological inflexibility led us into a fiscal crisis; not only has your studied demonizing of science prevented real action on climate change; not only has your cynical game of Footsies with the Religious Right demeaned the pursuit of education and wisdom; not only did you lose, but you lost in the most dishonorable way possible - by encouraging and exacerbating the divisions within America. Thankfully, finally, FINALLY, it backfired. Couldn't have happened to a nicer group of people.

I still feel bad for John McCain. While I never seriously considered voting for him this year, I do think he is far more of a centrist than he appeared during this campaign. It's a shame that he tied his electoral hopes to the morally and intellectually bankrupt Republican Party, but what choice did he really have? Run as an independent? He needed the Republican apparatus as much as Barack Obama needed that of the Democrats. McCain was in a no-win situation. I very much look forward to seeing the return of what I think is the real John McCain - conservative, sure, but not an ignorant right-wing lunatic.

As for Sarah Palin and the rest of the far-Right, I don't know what to say except that I hope you are a tiny, ineffectual minority for a long, long time. Your cheerful ignorance and hatred of those smarter than you have made us stupider as a people. Frankly, I wish you'd all go away so that the vast, reality-inhabiting majority can get cracking on the many problems your electoral decisions helped cause. But because I'm so tolerant, liberal, and - dare I say - Christ-like (settle down, that was a joke), I will ask only for your tolerance over the next four years; when the Federal spending programs you hate so much wind up reviving the economy, I'll even let you share in the benefits. I'm a nice guy - what can I say?

These next four years will require cooperation between people who disagree fundamentally on many issues. We won't be able to do that if we're constantly bickering about the past, and who-did-what-to-whom. I hereby agree to not bring up the past if you, the Republicans, promise the same.

But there's one more condition: Admit you were wrong.

Our Long Regional Nightmare is Over

It's official.


(JIM BATES / THE SEATTLE TIMES)

I will not even speculate on what kind of voodoo shit Andy MacPhail and/or Peter Angelos were doing to make this trade take forever to consummate. They could have been feeding asbestos insulation to infants, for all I care; all that matters now is that Erik Bedard, the best pitcher the Baltimore Orioles have developed since Mike Mussina, is a Seattle Mariner.

And I could not be happier. This should not be that hard to comprehend: The Orioles have so many holes, so many mediocre veterans signed to absurd contracts, and so little premium Minor League talent - particularly position players - that they had no real choice but to trade Bedard. The Orioles were not going to win anything in the next two seasons - after which most of the aforementioned absurd contracts expire - and so most intellectually honest observers agree that a fire sale was the best option.

Furthermore, the Orioles really did get a fantastic deal for their ace. They got more for Bedard than Minnesota got for two-time Cy Young Award winner Johan Santana, and for good reason: Bedard, while less-proven than Santana, is nearly as good right now, and costs many millions less over the next two years.

Twenty-three-year-old centerfielder Adam Jones is the centerpiece of the trade, bringing some much-needed high-level positional talent to the organization. He and Nick Markakis are going to be patrolling the Oriole Park outfield for a long time, so get used to the words: Jones and Markakis; Markakis and Jones; Joneskakis. I'm so pumped about Jones that I fully intend to purchase a clearance-sale Tejada jersey and stitch Jones's name on it, much like literally tens of people did to a Sammy Sosa jersey in honor of Nick Markakis.



Hard-throwing lefty reliever George Sherrill, 19-year-old righty starter Chris Tillman, 6-foot-7 lefthander Tony Butler and Kam Mickolio - a guy said to possess a 97 MPH sinker, for Chrissakes - round out the deal.

The worst thing you can say about this trade is that it's short on Major League-ready talent and long on high-risk/high-reward prospects. But this, combined with the Tejada deal and a long-rumored trade of Brian Roberts to the Cubs that might go down next, should make the Orioles' Minor League system one of the best in baseball. It's been a long, long time since anyone could legitimately say that. From a wannabe-General Manager standpoint, I have absolutely zero beef with this trade.

However, Erik Bedard was also, by far, my favorite Orioles player since, well, Mike Mussina. Aside from his ridiculous pitching aptitude, my favorite thing about Erik Bedard is the thing for which he is most frequently criticized: His stoicism (bordering on contempt) when dealing with the media. He was infamous for his one-word answers to the invariably inane cliches that the Baltimore media tended to spout at him.

A lot of media people probably thought he was a prick, but you know what? Ask better questions and you might get better answers. Most athletes will "play the game" and give you the I-Gave-170,000-Percent-Out-There platitudes you deserve, but Bedard did not roll like that. Do not knock the guy for being the rare athlete who is too smart for the sports media charade.

The following video is from today; unfortunately, I could not find any vintage Bedard Staredowns, but believe me, they were as funny as a Christopher Guest movie.



Anyway, as one last tribute to Erik Bedard's Oriole career, please check out the video below. On July 8, 2007, Bedard pitched the finest game of his career, striking out an Orioles club record 15 batters against the Texas Rangers. He allowed only two hits, no walks and faced the minimum 27 batters in a 3-0 shutout.

There's overpowering, there's dominating, and then there's what Bedard did to the Rangers that night. I believe the kids today call it "pwning".

But don't take my word for it. In the official game recap, then-Orioles pitching coach Leo Mazzone - who coached future Hall-of-Famers Tom Glavine, John Smoltz and Greg Maddux - was quoted as saying, "That ranks up there with any of the greatest performances I've ever seen."

Good luck, Erik.

I Love The Best Show on WFMU!

Thanks to Senorcorazon at FriendsOfTom.com for this stirring tribute to Philly Boy Roy.

No idea what I'm talking about? Listen to this podcast, and experience the glory that is The Best Show.

Wanted: Smut-Sniffing Professional

This is an actual job, posted on a major journalism employment web site.

Company: United States Conference of Catholic Bishops

Position: Media Reviewer

Location: Washington, D.C.

Description: The position screens and writes reviews of nationally-released movies (as many as 3-6 per week), determining, in tandem with director, the appropriate moral classification; likewise screens and reviews 1-2 TV programs and also 1-2 DVDs weekly. The Media Reviewer will write columns on media trends as warranted, records biweekly on-air feature for "Catholic Radio Weekly."

EOE M/F/D/V.

That last bit means "Male/Female/Disabled/Veteran". (I'm guessing "Non-Catholic" isn't a protected status in this case.)

I knew - from years of reading Mother Jones, The Nation and the New York Times - that jobs like this existed. Those and other left-leaning publications often include winking news briefs about social conservatives loudly and righteously complaining about smut in pop culture.

Often, though, it is revealed that the complainer - like, say, Catholic League President Bill Donohue - has never even seen the show or movie or heard the song about which he or she is railing. So when a guy like Donohue mounts his soapbox of ignorance, it's safe to assume that someone behind the scenes - someone with a job similar to the one mentioned above - fed him that information and told him to be outraged by it.

Curious about what those reviews say? The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops has a web site where we can read them ourselves! Hooray!

Boston @ Orioles or: How I Learned to Stop Caring and Began to Hate Baseball

These kids, today, they have a saying: "PWN3D!"

It's Internet-Speak for "owned", which is more or less what the Boston Red Sox just did to the Baltimore Orioles. They owned us. Even, dare I say, pwn3d us. There's not much else to say than that.

Oh, who am I kidding? There's plenty else to say. It's possible that very little of it will be constructive baseball analysis, but hopefully it will be entertaining. I laugh to keep from crying.

1. The first inning told us all we needed to know about each team's offense. Adam Loewen struck out Julio Lugo, Kevin Youkilis and David Ortiz in order, but took 18 pitches to do so. Brian Roberts led off the game with a double, then stole third base and scored on an RBI groundout by Markakis; Beckett quickly retired Tejada, though, and threw only 11 pitches in the inning.
   
   In a related note, the walk totals for each team's offense in the two-game series:
   
   • Orioles: 3
   • Red Sox: 17
     
   
   Sure, okay, the Sox had Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett, and we had the often-wild duo of Daniel Cabrera and Loewen. But the Orioles simply are not a patient team. They rarely work the count, often swing at terrible pitches, and apparently have a collective case of hemorrhoids so painful that they feel compelled to end their at-bats as quickly as possible, so as to apply Preparation-H in the trainer's room.
   
   
2. In just over 11 innings of work this season, Chris Ray has allowed 7 earned runs, all on two grand slams: Alex Rodriguez's game-winner in New York on April 7, and Wily Mo Pena's eventual game-winner tonight.
   
   
   Dear Chris,
   
   Stop leaving fastballs over the middle of the plate.
   
   Love,
   
   The five Orioles fans left
   
   
   
3. Oh, Ramon, we've missed you so! Please stay healthy so we don't have to watch Alberto Castillo hit like Mark Belanger (and look like him while doing it).
   
   
4. Hey, time for the Pabst Blue Ribbon "Stat of the Game That Has Virtually No Relation to the Game Currently Happening"! Here it is:
   
   Q: Who has hit a home run in the most different ballparks in his career?
   
   ::drumroll::
   
   A: Sammy Sosa
   
   Hey, he...used to play here...two years ago...and was constantly injured and widely rumoured to have used steroids...and now he's suddenly kicking ass in Texas (I'm sure HGH has nothing to do with that)...
   
   Yeah, let's bring up that guy's name, why don't we?
   
   
   

Ugh. What an awful night to be an Orioles fan.

Up next: 'Dem O's travel to Cleveland and Detroit. The pitching matchups for the Clev...ah, hell. In honour of Harry Doyle and the Mistake by the Lake, I'm just going to drink myself into a stupor while I watch these next six games.

Amy Winehouse + SamPerFi

Couple things, real quick:

Sam Perlozzo does not know how to manage a bullpen.

(Hint: Relief pitchers are allowed to pitch more than one inning each.)

Amy Winehouse DOES know how to make men listen to her music.

(Hint: {censored}.)

What the Orioles Should Look Like By August 1

This is just for posterior's sake. Here's my August 1 roster.

C Hernandez
1B Huff
2B Roberts
SS Tejada
3B Mora
LF Markakis
CF Patterson
RF Knott
DH House

IF/OF Bynum
C Bako
OF/1B Majewski
OF Payton

SP Bedard
SP Cabrera
SP Loewen
SP Penn
SP Olson

(All homegrown! Man, is that beautiful to see. It's the Master Plan come to fruition!)

RP Ray
RP Parrish
RP Bradford
RP Walker
RP Baez
RP Burres
RP Liz

I'd love to see Millar, Gibbons and Williamson traded at the deadline for some prospects.

Ideally, any reliever except Liz should be available for the right price. Relievers are a dime a dozen. (Or, in the Orioles' case, $40 million for four.)

Realistically, each of the Orioles' free-agent relievers are signed to multi-year deals except Williamson; if he can get completely healthy and pitch pretty well, he could be nice trade bait come July 31. But I cannot see them trading Baez, Bradford or Walker away, at least not this year.

The big question mark is Gibbons. If I were running things, he'd have been gone long ago; if there's any species of ballplayer that can be found on the proverbial scrap heap at any time, it's low-OBP, semi-powerful, poor-fielding galoots.

Of course, Gibbons is a "fan favorite" and an all-around nice guy, so that will likely take precedence over his baseball-playing ability, good or bad.

Millar is almost toast, and hopefully we can unload him to a contender who needs a RH bat.

Trachsel and Wright should be doing their best Ortiz/Chen impersonations by then, so let's hope they're gone.